I think I’m one of those people who will always be clucky. I love kids, always have and always will. They bring out the best in me.
Some would say 4 kids is a lot and don’t get me wrong some days it does feel that way but mostly it feels great. I would have happily carried on having babies if only I was younger and they were cheaper! You are tricked as at first babies are not too costly, however when they start school, or even pre-school for that matter, need braces, food, clothing and all the extra activities (not that we even do that many!) it can be a struggle.
Today I cried and once I started crying I couldn’t stop. I’m grieving the children I will never have. I’m sad that I will never have a baby grow inside me again, never birth or homebirth another child and never hold my newborn in my arms.
Breastfeeding is something else I miss after doing it for so many years with each of my four children it was part of my everyday. I can’t believe its been nearly two years since the milk bar shut up shop. I loved having an excuse to slow down and sit and stare at my babies watching them feed. Magical times that I miss.
I’ve been getting migraines lately and after suffering a lot with them this year we finally realised that taking the contraceptive pill was causing them. Didn’t guess it was that at first as I’d been taking the pill for years, ever since I suffered endometriosis as a young woman.
This has led me to think a lot about babies recently (more than usual) after having to find a new contraceptive and finally deciding on the Mirena IUD. I was really concerned about some of the stuff I’d read online about side affects however I just couldn’t keep coping with migraines and they were getting both worse and more frequent. So far so good with the IUD and besides the emotions of having it put in and the uncomfortable process I now don’t have to worry about remembering to take a little tablet every day and haven’t had a migraine since.
I’m going to allow myself to grieve though and I think talking (or writing) about it helps me to come to terms with it. Surround myself with love, enjoy and celebrate the children I do have. Cute animals help too by the way and I’ll introduce you to a few new members in our family soon. On the baby front though, I’ll just have to wait to be a grandma to have more babies in my life and hopefully with four children I will be a grandma to many.
Do you miss the baby days? Are you clucky? Or are you like me and feel like you’d always be clucky even if you had 10 children?